so. a return to numb. a revisiting of past bookmarks, and at long last a willingness to see what was in between. a desire to want resolve, and to have the courage required. knowledge that inside hasn’t changed, not for going on years now. a faint curiousity to know why, and which or what is real, but moreover a desire to want resolve, and to have the courage required.
stubborn is the tragedy invited in. it still gets harder to summon tears; i sometimes feel i really did use them all up in that first quarter of life. i feel less and less for each subsequent loss, which is worriesome to a degree. am i gaining strength or losing hope?
had a new sensation during a retrospective, whereupon i found the in between bits to be something to focus on. these big markers were distractions from the quieter consistencies that were strung throughout, that persisted into present day.
i refuse to be in love. and is that possible. and if it is not, is a refusal quite sustaining a state of unresolve?
no no no
yes yes yes!
no no nooooo
no no no no no
yes yes yes
some stuff i forgot
freedom to be that weird
i got to dance
liked my outfits
we pet the cat
rented five movies to make sure i liked one
“your skin, your smell, your eyes”
“i will go with you to the buffet”
love the whole city all parts
drive me through the neighborhoods, let me look at all the houses
i was five on that staircase you know, and i was definitely a dancer in the grandest of schemes
bottle up the woman’s smell and sell it, put a t shirt on your head, the rack falls on our bodies, we see that stupid light outside the window and hate that dog who always yells
“don’t shut the lights out on us again, ok?”
self portrait in a mirror
sage green pillowcase
medium black boxer briefs
lomo camera with colored gels/5 rolls film
raiders t shirt black small
nike t shirt
gray tank top
men’s skin care
gigantic closet organizer
one dried hydrangea from paris
one trip to Paris
one trip to San Francisco
one trip to Spain
troll trading cards
found book of poetry
my silk scarf back
five red roses
carved heart rose quartz
fixed flat tire
jump started car
many many cooked dinners
many many purchased breakfasts
a couple of movies
wind up monkey
stole stole stole stole stole
like things could ever
as if, as if anything could ever
“you are an amazing lady…. and the best sexual partner I’ve ever had” gross.
Had a dream of you as a 17-year-old boy, weeping in my mother’s arms.
my baby told me to go back to sleep. My baby told me to take a NyQuil.
and he’s right, I’m going to sleep, I’m going to pretend it’s all gone. I’m going to wake up in the morning with a new song.
WTF scary accidental foto i took its a fucking black hole